I promised you a list of Things To Do – and Not Do – In Paris.

Well, finally here it is:

HAUSMANN’S TEN TOP THINGS TO DO IN PARIS

1. Enjoy petit dejeuner, breakfast, at any old Parisian café.  Order the antique hot chocolate. Pour the molten cocoa into the steaming milk, and taste the soft warm buttery croissants.

2. Visit my relatives – the apes and hominids – in a glass case at the Museum of Natural History.  Marvel at the skeletons of creatures under one roof.  Imagine them coming alive on Hausmann’s Ark.    You might discover that my relatives are your relatives too.

3. Sip sweet minty Moroccan tea at the Café de la Mosquee, feed the sparrows out of your hands, and stroll down the Jardin des Plants, holding hands beneath the spreading boughs.

4. Spend a day at the Cite de la Villette, the Science and Technology museum, and play on the amazing interactive displays.  Don’t miss the 3-D movies: the monsters of the deep jump out at you.

5. Buy cheap trinkets for kids and friends back home.   My favorites are the light up Eiffel towers, and of course, the miniature twirling Eiffel key chains.

6. Descend ancient stone stairs to the footpath alongside the River Seine, and watch the barges and boats pass by.  We enjoyed the boat bus that you can board and get off, but walking is for free.

7. Jump on the trampolines and whirl on the merry go round in the Tuileries.  Then treat yourself to tarte d’ pomme, apple tart.

8. When it starts to pour, run outside the nearest church and watch the gargoyles spitting out rainwater.  The word ‘gargoyle’ has the same root as gargle.

9. Buy a multiple-day pass to the Metro, and get a free Metro map.   Paris lies before you, and you can get anywhere, if you’re willing to stand up in the crowded cars.

10.         Stand atop the Eiffel Tower and gaze out at Paris.   Tip your hat to Baron Haussmann for laying out the city.

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HAUSMANN’S TOP TEN THINGS

NOT TO DO IN PARIS

Thou Shalt Not:

1. Drag heavy suitcases or strollers through the Metro subway system. You will be hoisting them up and down innumerable flights of stairs, and navigating through a maze of tunnels.  It may be worth paying a taxi to take you from the train depot to your hotel.   We actually found it was cheaper, too!

2. Don’t forget to pull your Metro ticket out of the slot as you push through the gate.  If you leave the ticket, you can’t get back in.  And you’ll have to buy a new one.

3. Do not take young children on an extensive tour of Western Art through the Ages in the Louvre.    More fun is the Musee d’ Orsay, housed in a gorgeous train station.   You can climb to the top storey, stand behind the face of the enormous clock, watch the minute hand move, and sip hot chocolate at a café. On the way out, you might say hi to Van Gogh, and admire the delicate bronze ballerina by Degas.   Outside the museum, a small plaque commemorates a little known historical fact: The Nazis and their collaborators deported French Jews from the Gare d’Orsay to the extermination camps.    You may want to pause and reflect.

4.  Don’t stroll off deep in conversation, and leave your poor kid alone in a strange city.   In retrospect, Lincoln wasn’t the only one who deserved a spank on the butt.   We parents deserved a paddling for leaving him behind.   The ‘Missing Linc’ incident scared some sense into us.  We enforced a rule: Kids, never cross a street without holding a grownup’s hand — and look eight ways.  Those crazy Parisian chauffeurs  may be deadly dangerous.  Remember what happened to Princess Di.

5. Don’t pretend you’re a Parisian intellectual by wearing a cheap crimson beret to a café. As you muse existentially about the meaninglessness of it all, you’ll stick out like a red toadstool.

6. Don’t turn your nose up at the Latin Quarter because it’s touristy.   You’re a tourist, okay! The joints are kid friendly and fun.  You can sample cuisines from many regions and nationalities, and travel around France and the globe. The wine is cheap, the food not that great, but they don’t give a damn if kids are noisy.   However, you may want to avoid the cheapest fixed Menu.  You get what you pay for.  Don’t order American coffee.    Don’t ask for Freedom Fries, it’s an insult to France’s independence of spirit and support for liberty, beginning with the American Revolution.

7.  Don’t book a hotel, sight unseen, based on its name.   On the web, I discovered the Gran Hotel de France.   It sounded grand, but when we got there it was a seedy hole in the wall, with creaky stairs, dilapidated carpets, and leaky bathroom fixtures.  The room was barely big enough to fit four cots, and the tiny black and white TV was mounted on the ceiling and inaudible.   Silver lining: The kids didn’t watch TV all week, and we all snuggled together in the beds.  It was cozy and comfortable..  Don’t expect a grand room for a budget price.   Parisians live in cramped quarters; the City of Light is their living room.

8. Don’t out without an umbrella or raincoat.  For blue skies may turn dark and bring downpours.  The Paris weather is as mercurial as, well, the Parisians personality.   I believe that the philosopher, Montaigne, elucidated the connection between climate and culture a few centuries ago.    One of the few things I remember from my freshman Humanities course. Thank you, ‘Core Curriculum’!

9.  Don’t try to buy a bottle of wine after hours. There’s a law against selling bottled spirits after 9 p.m.  Puritanism?  Hardly.  It’s to keep the bars and cafes open late and filled with customers, and to keep winos off the streets.  But the latter is a miserable failure.  Paris has many homeless people and panhandlers, but they’re not as aggressive as those begging in the shadows of America’s glass skyscrapers.

10.  Don’t trust the TGV.   It may be the smoothest, fastest, most pleasant journey – or a nightmare.  This raises the question: Would we do it again?  Yes, as soon as we can afford tickets, we’ll be back to Paris.

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That’s all folks.  But before I go, let me quote Hausmann’s pithy and poignant elegy:

You will fall in love with Paris, but she will never love you the same way. And if are not careful, she will break your heart.

But there is a way of getting over this broken heart, and that is to love Paris unconditionally, as you love your children.

Goodbye Eiffel, goodbye Bug, seven days in Paris were not enough.

Thank you, friends, for your patience, listening to my bloopers.  Apologies to the French for slaughtering your language.

Bonne journée. Please hurry back for the next misadventure of “The Confessions of a Hausmann.”

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